In a stunning act of courage and social progress, local man Brad Tindle, 34, has reportedly made the switch from regular cow’s milk to oat milk, declaring himself “an eco-warrior, sort of like Greta Thunberg but with better coffee.” Sources confirmed that Brad, who once referred to almond milk as “liquid tree dust,” now spends most of his mornings loudly ordering iced oat lattes and waiting for applause.
“I just couldn’t keep living as a monster,” Brad explained, scrolling through a listicle titled 7 Reasons Oat Milk Is Basically Activism. “Once I realized that cows have feelings and almonds have a water footprint, it just felt wrong not to make a change. Also, the barista was hot.”
Since the switch, Brad has taken to informing strangers of his beverage choices, frequently beginning sentences with, “As someone who drinks oat milk now…” He has also updated his dating profile to include the phrase “plant-based adjacent” and has begun planning a TEDx talk titled Moo-ve Over: My Journey to Ethical Creaminess.
Critics argue that Brad’s transformation may be less about the planet and more about social clout, especially after he posted an Instagram reel of himself pouring oat milk over a globe while Coldplay played in the background. Brad remains undeterred. “Look,” he said, “if my actions inspire even one person to consider oat milk, I think we all win. Also, it’s got beta-glucans, whatever those are.”
Reviewed by Garson Mun
on
July 30, 2025
Rating:
